Parenting With Your partner
written by Kristin Portillo, certified parent coach
Your relationship with your co-parent is the curriculum your children study every day for their future relationships. Your kids learn how to love by watching how you treat your partner, including during conflict.
Parenting is a stressful job. I’ve heard it said that raising 1 child now a days is like raising 4 children 50 years ago. Parent burn-out is a rising condition. Add trying to stay connected and unified with your partner while parenting is another level type of hard! Without realizing it, parenting can divide couples. 67% of couples report that marital satisfaction goes down after having a child and the highest rate of divorce happens in the years following the birth of a child.
Get on the same page in parenting
#1 Have A Clear Picture On Your Current Parenting Style
First determine your primary parenting style (authoritarian, permissive, neglectful, or authoritative) by looking at the diagram here or take the free quiz at https://psychology.com/tests/parenting-style
#2 Determine the Best Parenting Style for Your Family
I recommend checking out the links below on authoritative parenting (many parenting methods fall under authoritative parenting, such as connection-based parenting or conscious parenting). These are the methods that studies have shown yield the healthiest, happiest children and adults. Whichever style you and your partner prefer, our goal here is to get you in sync. Without a clear game plan, it's easy to fall into reactive habits like yelling or just "winging it" when things get stressful.
*A little side note as I often hear "well, spanking [lecturing, yelling, scaring children into compliance, disallowing whining, etc.] worked for my parents, I turned out fine." I'd like to challenge you to look at our society, and perhaps yourself, and see the abundance of mental health issues, proneness towards anger, and relationship problems. Do you have an inner critic, high anxiety, poor emotional regulation, difficulty asserting your needs or setting boundaries, or people pleasing tendencies? These are all things that frequently stem from the environment in which we were raised.
Authoritative Parenting- https://parentingscience.com/authoritative-parenting-style/
Connection Based Parenting- https://renewedhopeparenting.com/connection-based-parenting/
Conscious Parenting- https://health.clevelandclinic.org/conscious-parenting
How do we want to raise our kids?
Questions To Go Over With Your Partner
Below is a list of questions to start a discussion with your partner on how you want to parent your child(ren). I recommend writing your answers down to help hold onto these insights.
- What are our expectations of our children from day to day?
- Do we want to give consequences for not following rules or rely more on natural consequences?
- If you are opting to give consequences, spell out what those look like (elimination of screen time or more extreme like toy goes in the trash).
- Do we establish structured, defined rules for our home or take a more minimal, relaxed approach?
- Do we consider our children’s input when making decisions that pertain to them/the family or do we prefer to decide everything without their feedback?
- How do we want to handle disrespect?
- Are we alright with yelling at our kids? Spanking?
- When our child has explosive emotions, how do we want to handle it?
- What characteristics do we want our son(s)/daughter(s) to develop?
- What values do we want to instill in our child(ren)?
- What are things each of us feels is important in parenting that does not seem important to our partner?
- What are our desires for our children’s physical well-being? (i.e. Is daily outside playtime required? A set bedtime? Limit to snacks/sweets?)
- How much screen time are we ok with our child having daily?
- How much outdoor time do we expect our kids to have weekly?
- What are our desires for our children’s mental well-being?
- To which kind of movies, shows, and books are we alright with them being exposed?
- To which kind of language are we alright with them being exposed? (curse words, potty words)
- Is focusing on growing their self-esteem/self-love important? Or which mental health characteristics are important for us to instill in our child?
- Is it important that our child excel at an extra-curricular activity?
- How important is it that our child excel in academics?
Know You And Your Partner's Triggers
The questions below will help you identify which of your child's behaviors trigger an intense reaction or cause you to shut down. Discussing these with your co-parent will help you be more supportive of each other.
Some questions to help pinpoint your triggers:
- What does my child(ren) do that gets me hot in 0 to 60 seconds?
- Which specific behaviors in our children do I find hardest to handle?
- What are the most difficult parts of my day with our child(ren)?
- What are things in my day that can cause me to feel on edge or less patient with my child(ren)?
- When I’m feeling like losing my cool, what is something my partner could do to help me?
