Sibling rivalry: Why Can't They Get Along?!

When the fighting starts up between siblings we typically run in and try to figure out who started it and which child was in the wrong. We become the referee in the disputes and add to our children’s discourse with one another. To build strong sibling relationships we need to become more of a mentor in guiding them how to resolve conflict amongst themselves. Also, it is imperative to not go about pin pointing which child was in the wrong. We end up creating a winner/loser and more of a competitive nature between siblings rather than a cooperative bond.  Sibling rivalry is dang hard so try slowly to implement small changes in your response.  

Teaching your children how to resolve conflict may not be possible in the moment when your kids are screaming or clawing at each other. Plus, you may be triggered yourself and ready to scream! Before trying to help your children, check your temperature gauge. If you are not in a position where you can calmly mediate, then tell your kids it’s time to pause or take a break until everyone is cooled down. If you continually react to the sibling fighting, nothing will change. 

 Hot Potato! Pause Solution:

Introduce a funny phrase like “Hot Potato!” (or another silly word of your choice) as a playful way to pause sibling disputes.

Teach your kids this phrase a head of time when things are peaceful. Let them know that when arguments start "cooking," you will step in with this special pause word. When they hear the phrase it’s a signal for everyone to head to their designated cool-down spots until big feelings have settled.

You are teaching your children that the conversation is currently too hot to touch and needs to cool down before a resolution can be established. Most importantly, always reassure your children that the pause isn't a cancellation. Once everyone is calm, all will get their turn to talk and help find a resolution.

Remember, you are now the mentor here teaching your kids how to resolve the dispute amongst themselves. Try to not take sides or establish one who is right versus wrong, a winner versus loser. 

Hear each child out and try to empathize with how each one is feeling. Their feelings or reaction may not seem logical, but to the child they are real. Do not try to reason away their feelings or reaction, instead guide them how to resolve the situation. 

Here are some phrases to help mediate a conflict among your children and get them to resolve the situation:

• “I want to hear what happened. You will each get to share what happened, so while the other is talking I need you to be quiet and listen.” (If a child keeps interrupting then they may need more time to cool down before coming to a resolution.)
• “Can you tell your brother/sister what you are feeling? What made you feel that way?” 
• “What did you want to happen?”
• “What would feel fair to you?”
• "What do you think [Name] needs right now to feel better?"
• “We only have one of ____. Does anyone have any ideas how we can share them or both have fun?”
• "How can we make this right?"
• "What can we do differently next time so this doesn't happen?"

When children start physically hurting each other or are on the verge of hurting each other you need to step in. Children should be told that hurting another is not permissible and that mom or dad will have to step in to help calm them, even if it means physically holding them or picking them up. It is natural for a child to use hitting, biting, kicking, etc. when he/she is angry as they have a limited set of tools for expressing and releasing their emotions and an underdeveloped impulse control center. Here again we use empathy towards what the child is feeling and reassure him/her that we are there to help. This is easier said than done as a parent, but do your best and show yourself compassion when you falter.

Example Script:

“I see that you are really angry, so angry that you want to hurt someone. I cannot let anyone get hurt. I’m here to help you until those big emotions pass.”